'I had no idea Instagram had porn': Keeping kids safe on social media

When a new study surfaced a few weeks ago revealing that, of all the major social media networks, Instagram was the most detrimental to young people's mental health, it made alarmist news headlines around the world.

But for Sydney-based online safety expert Leonie Smith, it was business as usual.

"I've seen more porn, more drug paraphernalia, more violence, more sick behaviour on Instagram than any other app," Ms Smith said of the platform, which the Royal Society for Public Health report found was more likely to leave users feeling anxious, depressed and lonely than Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter or YouTube.

They are the sort of red flags that make any parent's face fall. Or they would, if we had any idea they existed.

"If I had a dollar for every parent who said, 'I had no idea Instagram had porn...' said Ms Smith.

But Instagram is not the only social media platform that Australian parents are letting their children explore without being aware of the pitfalls.

In the last few months alone, Facebook, Skype and Snapchat have all been implicated in Australian cases of child sex offences and exploitation.

And these come on the back of countless other cases showing how social media is also connected with a rise in the vilification of women, bullying, and a growing number of children presenting at psychologist's offices with social media-related anxiety.

The problem? Parents are too overwhelmed by how much social media their children use — on platforms they do not understand — to help them safely navigate them.

"That's like a full-time job," said one dad I know, about the prospect of having to regularly monitor his 10-year-old son's social media activity.

Echoing the feelings of many other parents I interviewed, he added: "I mean, it sounds great, but..." He shook his head.

The good news, however, is that there are numerous tips and tools that parents can access easily to help keep their children and teens safe, and themselves sane.

Protective software? You already have it. And you are it.

"Lots of parents tell me, 'I let my children on Snapchat, the filters are lots of fun," said Ms Smith about the app, which enables users to send each other photos and videos that disappear after a few seconds. Some of these children are as young as seven.

"None of [the parents] have any idea that Snapchat stories (a function that allows photos and videos to be seen for 24 hours) has adult media on it, like an explicit Cosmopolitan magazine article [I saw] about sex."

Or, presumably, that a 14-year-old boy committed suicide recently after being relentlessly bullied on the app.

And what if it is parents themselves who inadvertently expose their children to toxic content?

That may have been the case for one Sydney mother, Gillian*, whose friend texted her photos of a man's genitals as a joke.

It was only some time after she received the text on her iPhone that Gillian realised that her texts popped up on all the other Apple devices in her house, including her desktop computer, iPad, and all of the family's mobile phones.

"I ran to delete them on every device," she said.

Did her three children, who range in age from six to eleven, see them? "I hope not," she said.

Practical tips:

  • Do not let children on any social media platform until they are 13 (The age set by the companies themselves)
  • Tell teens on social media to, whenever possible, set their accounts to "private", turn off location services, and block users they do not know, who bully them, or who screenshot their posts
  • Use your computer's inbuilt parental controls, like the setting that restricts explicit media. Set up restrictions for each browser you have on every computer device you own, including smartphones
  • To block kids from opening a web link to porn that they might be sent by someone online, consider installing additional filtering programs, like Net Nanny or K9 Web Protection
  • Set up different login accounts for adults and children on desktop computers. Child accounts can be restricted to one browser, and a limited number of apps

When good parents (accidentally) do bad things

Many parents do not realise that online games often have a social media component, said Kellie Britnell, senior education advisor at the Office of the Children's eSafety Commissioner.

"If you can interact with someone else," she said, "that's social media."

Ms Britnell was referring to popular games like Minecraft, Clash of Clans and Roblox, which, when played on a public web server, all have a chat room function, meaning that if your child plays on any of them, strangers anywhere in the world can contact them.

"I asked the kids, 'Who has ever [received] a message on an online gaming chat?' and probably about 40 per cent put their hands up," said Ms Smith, of a recent online safety talk she gave at an Australian primary school.

"This is in year three."

Practical tips:

  • Set up a private Minecraft server through the company, or a LAN game for your child, which enables only selected people in their local network (on the same wi-fi account) to play with them
  • Research online games on commonsensemedia.com
  • Place all computer devices, including your child's mobile phone, in a common area, and regularly check what they are doing on social media

Lean in to awkward conversations

Ms Smith knows first-hand what can happen when parents are uncomfortable with — or do not realise they should be — speaking to their children about how to protect themselves on social media.

Police she works with have told her one of the biggest problems they see is young children sending explicit photos to predators.

"No one's ever told them that that's a possibility," Ms Smith said. "They just think, 'It's too young'."

As one mother of three children said to me the other day, with wide eyes: "You have to talk to kids about it before they've even had their first kiss."

And parents of teenagers are not off the hook either.

"I had one mother contact me because her 16-year-old said he had a porn addiction, and she didn't know what to do about it," said Ms Smith. "She let it go. Six months later, he said, 'I need your help, I need to be blocked'."

And, added online safety expert Susan McLean, children of all ages need to know that they will never get in trouble if they have received a nude photo, or accidentally become entangled in other troublesome social media behaviour.

During a recent online safety talk she gave, Ms McLean asked a group of teens what they would do if they received explicit images.

"These kids said, 'Oh, I would screen shot them for evidence, and go and tell an adult'. I said, 'Really? You would do that?' They said, 'Nah, I wouldn't.'

"I said 'Why wouldn't you?' [One boy] said, 'Because I would fear getting into trouble', which is the irrational fear that kids have."

Practical tips:

  • Tell children, from Year 3 onwards, that if anyone asks them uncomfortable questions, or requests a photo of them, they must tell a parent or an adult they trust
  • Let your kids and teens know they can tell you anything about what they've seen or done on social media and it won't embarrass you
  • Coach your kids and teens to only "friend" people on social media who they know, not who they "know of"
  • Tell your child to be suspicious if a friend suddenly has a second profile on a social media app. (Paedophiles frequently create fake profiles to "friend" your child)
  • Do not post photos with identifying details of your kids (like the name of their school or sporting association). Such information helps predators pretend to know your child

But why do parents have to do this? Aren't schools teaching online safety?

Not sufficiently.

Australian schools are not currently required to deliver online safety education. And experts say that, in some instances, bloggers or IT experts are teaching children about social media risks and safety, rather than qualified professionals.

This is what one Sydney mother, Catherine*, discovered, after her 11-year-old daughter Sophie* was "upskirted" at school (two other girls shoved a school iPad up Sophie's dress, took a photo of her body, and showed it to other kids in class).

"The other girls were just laughing, and Sophie said she was just humiliated," said Catherine. "She burst into tears as soon as she got into the car, and said, 'I just wanted to fall into the ground'."

The aftermath compounded the damage.

The school sent its IT expert to speak to Sophie's class about online safety, and failed to inform the parents of the girl who took the photo. When Catherine contacted the girl's mother herself, she was shocked by her response.

"She said, 'I'm not going to get her to apologise, because it's in the past'."

Practical tips:

  • If your child is bullied online by another child at school or social or sporting organisation, contact the school or the organising body
  • Never contact the other child's parent, said Ms McLean, because "it's going to descend into nastiness"
  • If the school or association does not respond adequately, said Ms Smith, "go higher". Contact the department of education or, if a crime has been committed, the police

Discipline your child... the right way

Many parents know placing boundaries around their child's social media usage can be a fraught exercise.

"She's in full teenage rebellion mode, so she's started the put-downs, the eye rolling, huffing when mum addresses these topics," said one mother of a 12-year-old girl.

"It triggers my own feelings of inadequacies at the best of times."

And psychologists and online safety experts say the most common disciplinary mistake they see parents make is to threaten to take — or actually take — their child's technology away.

"Taking it away is not going to work," said Heidi Kopel, a Sydney-based child psychologist. "It just creates a dynamic in the relationship where there's resentment and more conflict."

In fact, added Ms McLean, a technology ban can lead your children to further danger.

"It's when you threaten total disconnection, that [kids] say, 'I better just deal with it, put up with [any problems], or I'll lose the technology'."

Practical tips:

  • Let your child know your rules for social media behaviour, said Ms Smith, and give them room to show that they are trustworthy in order to "start from a place of expectation of trust, rather than a place of distrust"
  • If they break the rules, discipline them without taking away their technology for prolonged periods
  • And, most importantly, said Ms McLean, keep talking and listening to your children: "It's got to be a part of everyday life"

*Names have been changed to protect interview subjects' privacy.